Good genes run in the family… Damn!
Dear Rob,
Will you just look at your family? Look!
Eternally proud of you, son.
Love,
Dad
Dear Rob,
The Notebook was on. You know what that film does to me.
I could use a snuggle myself. Your mother always falls asleep before the end.
If you can tell I’ve been weeping in the morning, you’ll know why. Goodnight!
Love,
Dad
Hey Dad,
It’s getting late. What movie is Mum making you watch right now? Are you feeling tired and emotional?
Speaking for myself, I am tilting a Heiny in your general direction in salute. Light beer? My father raised me better than that. Plus, I didn’t earn this belly from drinking like a girl (don’t tell Slugger I said that).
You’re right about trying on suits at this hour. Mistake. I was feeling anxious, it’s been a while. Good thing Nick was here - he used this amazing device to clear the room of their existence. It’s called a coat hanger. Revolutionary.
There aren’t enough pillows on this bed (or dog hair) and I miss my guitar. I may be feeling lonely. This could be a turning point in my evening.
See you for breakfast?
Love you,
Rob
Dear Rob,
Don’t even get me started on pedicures and the like. You’ve seen my feet and yet she insists…
I’m changing subjects in favor of discussing our pre-event drink tomorrow.
Has your time in California weaned you off the good stuff? Are you a light beer drinker now? I might have to disown you if you say yes.
Finally, why are you trying on suits at this hour? You know that extra dessert servings spoil the line of the suit. It could fit perfectly tonight and be a nightmare in the morning.
Use your head.
Love,
Dad
Hello Dad
Offended you may well be but I don’t pack the suits. I have ‘people’. I may have turned diva but I consider it part of ‘the job’. I don’t believe this makes me any less one of the great unwashed masses. Don’t panic - I washed thoroughly. In fact, I smell pretty damn fine.
I would have walked down the hall to deliver this message but Nick insisted on a pedicure. Prick. Therefore I insisted he deliver said pedicure. My cuticles are bleeding. I should never attempt to wield the power. I am an idiot.
Love you,
Rob (smiling through the pain)
Dear Rob,
I am somewhat offended by your question. What other option is there BESIDES Gucci? Additionally, am I to understand that you (I repeat you) packed more than one option? Or, do you currently have stylists laying out options for you in your hotel room? Both are offensive.
Go with Gucci. I already did. As for color, you’ll just have to be surprised. I’m pretty certain it will knock your socks off (if you’re wearing any).
Love,
Dad
P.S. We’re down the hall. Come by next time.
Hello Dad
To Gucci or not to Gucci - THAT is the question.
Have you decided on yours yet?
Sucks to be me.
Love you,
Rob
Hello Dad
What can I say? You are my moral and etiquette compass.
I do, however, feel the need to respond to your list (what IS it with you and lists anyway?):
1. Paying compliments to any woman, anywhere, any time gets me into trouble faster than you can say auf wiedersehen fraulein.
2. Please avoid watching all videos of my previous red carpet attendances. I try Dad, honestly.
3. I wish I had the balls to do that Dad. Perhaps with age will come grace … and bigger balls?
4. My nervous hands are defaulted to check-fly-check-jacket-scrunch-hair. It’s an involuntary reflex. At least I don’t pout as much these days. That’s something, right?
5. Thank Christ for your retraction!
6. Sometimes the snacks in the limo are to DIE FOR. What’s a few crumbs between friends?
Thanks for the crack about missing buttons. I can’t help it - Bear seems to have a fetish. Can’t wait to see you and Mum.
Love you,
Rob
Dear Rob,
I’m an early riser, as you know, and as I’ve been sitting here browsing restaurants for our dinner tonight, I’ve been thinking.
Your character in Bel Ami, Georges, is a bit of a cad.
I’m sincerely hoping (both as your father and as a self-proclaimed gentleman) that you have remembered that you are not a cad. At least not the last time I checked.
Let’s run through a simple list, shall we?
I’m sure there will be more. Start memorizing this list first. We’ll reconvene over dinner this evening. We’re going somewhere nice so please wear a shirt with buttons. Thank you.
Love,
Dad
Hello Dad,
You KNOW that schmoozing is not a natural state for me. I reserve the right to call bullshit at any given situation.
Last year, at the Golden Globes, I had a rotten cold and hair almost the same shade as Hamburglar. I had just left a film set where I dripped snot on Reese Witherspoon’s face. Then I was snubbed by your idol, Ms Mirren, who prefers Russell Brand to me.
You’ll forgive me if my recollections of that time are not exactly fond.
My memories of the 2012 Golden Globes are infinitely more pleasurable. Sofa. Slugger. Blanket. Beer. Fries. Bear.
By the way, whilst I did enjoy my time on set with Uggie I have to say that I prefer the company of my own four legged family member. He loves me and his affection cannot be bought. Well, I guess it can, by anything remotely edible. But he STILL loves me. Just the way I am.
I’ll keep you posted on the Oscars, Dad. Your suggested colour combinations sound enticing. I don’t mind following in the footsteps of Viggo, who attended this year’s GG’s with his son, Henry. I’m less certain about emulating Laura Dern and Diane Ladd. Those chicks are crazy.
Love you
Rob
